Judy's Story
I began using alcohol and other drugs at age 11. I moved out of my parent's home when I was 14/15 years of age, quit school and began using substances full time. I had always felt unworthy and unlovable and alcohol and other drugs took away my fears and insecurities. I was always overweight and hated the way I looked and felt about myself. Alcohol and other drugs helped me feel accepted and worthwhile.
By the time I was 19 years of age I was pregnant, unmarried, moving from place to place, and working in a bar. The drugs and the alcohol were no longer ‘helping me to fit in’. Again I was embarrassed and feeling like an outsider. Then I found meth. I could drink for three or four days, had a lot of energy and began to lose weight. I thought I found a cure for all my life problems.
In the beginning, meth took away all my insecurities and helped me to hide from the truth. For the next nine years I spiraled out of control in my addiction; blind to the impact my using had on my son.
I was also blind to the fact that I needed help to quit. I’d pray every day that God would help me die. I entered my first treatment center in the early 1980’s but upon leaving still thought I could do it on my own. What I didn’t know and wasn’t to find out for almost ten years was that the way I felt when I was sober was my problem, and drugs and alcohol were my only solution.
Homelessness, stealing, drug dealing and living in guilt and fear were to be constant companions for years to come.
During the last five years of my usage I was miserable. There was no help or hope for someone like me. I hated myself for what I was doing to my children and absolutely hated the woman that I had become. However, I was afraid to ask for help and was afraid to be clean and sober. I went to treatment a few more times but always ended up leaving the program early---using my manipulation skills to make it happen without consequence. My days and nights consisted of searching for ways to get meth, stealing, selling anything I could, trading food stamps, writing bad checks, whatever it took to get high. My life was like a very long nightmare. There were times I would be in the bathroom, with a needle in my arm; crying and begging God to let me die.
On December 18, 1994, I was taken to the Wapello County jail for contempt of court and failure to appear on theft charges. I was given four weekends in jail, but due to my heavy addiction, I was only able to complete two. The first weekend I served I went through a horrible withdrawal from meth and the next weekend I managed to sneak in enough meth and a hypodermic to use all weekend long. I made the decision not to go back to jail to serve the rest of my sentence. This did not go over well with the court system and I was eventually sentenced to 60 days.
While I was sitting in jail I was devastated and hated myself. It seemed obvious to me that the judge and even my attorney thought I was a low-life. However, during the next few days as I began to go through withdrawal I took a long look at my life. For the first time in my life I asked God to help me live; without reservation. I didn’t bargain as I had in the past; I just asked for help without strings. My withdrawal was so severe that I required three days in a treatment center where I honestly asked for help and was ready to go to any lengths to get clean and sober.
Every day the jail allowed me to go to a treatment center that followed a 12-step program. Once I began following assignments and doing the work, I began to feel some hope for the first time in my life. I was introduced to very strong women and men in recovery and they loved me for who I was and encouraged me to fight for my own life. They let me know that I was worth saving. They didn’t judge me for who I had been and the horrible things I had done. Instead they held me accountable for my own recovery and let me know that I was responsible to do the work if I wanted to get clean and sober.
My children were removed from my custody by the Department of Human Services and placed with my brother and his wife. I was told that there were certain things I had to accomplish before I could regain custody. While it was scary and extremely overwhelming, I still felt hopeful. I had a great social worker and in-home provider and they were supportive of me and encouraged me to move forward in my life. One of the hardest things for me to deal with at that time was a visit with my children. I was so filled with guilt and shame and seeing the pain on their faces was hard to deal with. Thankfully, I learned to lean heavily on the recovering community and they helped me walk through the pain and see the hope.
One other recommendation from the Department of Human Services was that I get and maintain a job and find housing. Other than working in bars and a few restaurants in the past the only other job skill I had was selling drugs. Getting out and working while trying to stay clean and sober was intimidating and terrifying. My self-esteem was extremely low and I was afraid of everything. In the first year I went through five different jobs trying to find out where I fit and what I enjoyed doing.
It was a confusing and terrifying time, and I had relapses. Even though I really wanted and loved being clean and sober it was a confusing and terrifying time for me. What I learned from that experience is that I needed to be honest about my fears and feelings and reach out for help. I attended a relapse course and learned a lot about the relapse process. I haven’t had a drink or a drug since September 22, 1995 and continue to be extremely grateful for my recovery.
Letting go of all my old friends was hard. Even though I knew I had to stay away from them if I wanted to be sober, getting to know new people and finding healthy support was hard. I continued to lean on the recovering community in Ottumwa and formed many strong friendships with women and men who are still important to me today. These people encouraged me to start school and use my past as a tool to help others in need. I began attending school at Indian Hills Community College and after obtaining my Associate of Arts Degree went on to Buena Vista College to earn a four-year degree in Human Service.
During the time I went to school, I began working at the local battered women’s shelter. I learned a lot of important information about women’s issues and also about different systems. I worked with women in the shelter and also in the outreach program. Part of my job required me to attend community meetings and during one of those meetings the director and I were approached about starting a support group for women in the juvenile court system that were addicted to meth and were losing their children at alarming rates. This group; which was named Moms Off Meth was started on July 9th, 1999 and is still an incredibly important part of my life.
In April of 2001 I applied for a job with the Department of Human Services as a social worker. I felt that my past experience would enable me to be a healthy support for families and would also help me to grow as a professional and as a human being. On April 13th, 2001 I was hired as a social worker in the same office that removed my children just seven years earlier. This job and my own personal history led me to becoming very interested in a new position created called the Meth Specialist. I am grateful to say that in October of 2003 I was very fortunate to accept this position, which I still hold to this day.
Life in sobriety is incredible, exciting and sometimes overwhelming. With recovery comes a sense of responsibility; not only to my family but also to my community and to those suffering from the disease of alcoholism/addiction. I continue to change and grow and try to give back to others. I try to focus on what I have instead of what I want and maintain an attitude of gratitude, which is the foundation of my recovery.
Reprinted from Recovery Iowa 2005 Recovery Month Calendar
By the time I was 19 years of age I was pregnant, unmarried, moving from place to place, and working in a bar. The drugs and the alcohol were no longer ‘helping me to fit in’. Again I was embarrassed and feeling like an outsider. Then I found meth. I could drink for three or four days, had a lot of energy and began to lose weight. I thought I found a cure for all my life problems.
In the beginning, meth took away all my insecurities and helped me to hide from the truth. For the next nine years I spiraled out of control in my addiction; blind to the impact my using had on my son.
I was also blind to the fact that I needed help to quit. I’d pray every day that God would help me die. I entered my first treatment center in the early 1980’s but upon leaving still thought I could do it on my own. What I didn’t know and wasn’t to find out for almost ten years was that the way I felt when I was sober was my problem, and drugs and alcohol were my only solution.
Homelessness, stealing, drug dealing and living in guilt and fear were to be constant companions for years to come.
During the last five years of my usage I was miserable. There was no help or hope for someone like me. I hated myself for what I was doing to my children and absolutely hated the woman that I had become. However, I was afraid to ask for help and was afraid to be clean and sober. I went to treatment a few more times but always ended up leaving the program early---using my manipulation skills to make it happen without consequence. My days and nights consisted of searching for ways to get meth, stealing, selling anything I could, trading food stamps, writing bad checks, whatever it took to get high. My life was like a very long nightmare. There were times I would be in the bathroom, with a needle in my arm; crying and begging God to let me die.
On December 18, 1994, I was taken to the Wapello County jail for contempt of court and failure to appear on theft charges. I was given four weekends in jail, but due to my heavy addiction, I was only able to complete two. The first weekend I served I went through a horrible withdrawal from meth and the next weekend I managed to sneak in enough meth and a hypodermic to use all weekend long. I made the decision not to go back to jail to serve the rest of my sentence. This did not go over well with the court system and I was eventually sentenced to 60 days.
While I was sitting in jail I was devastated and hated myself. It seemed obvious to me that the judge and even my attorney thought I was a low-life. However, during the next few days as I began to go through withdrawal I took a long look at my life. For the first time in my life I asked God to help me live; without reservation. I didn’t bargain as I had in the past; I just asked for help without strings. My withdrawal was so severe that I required three days in a treatment center where I honestly asked for help and was ready to go to any lengths to get clean and sober.
Every day the jail allowed me to go to a treatment center that followed a 12-step program. Once I began following assignments and doing the work, I began to feel some hope for the first time in my life. I was introduced to very strong women and men in recovery and they loved me for who I was and encouraged me to fight for my own life. They let me know that I was worth saving. They didn’t judge me for who I had been and the horrible things I had done. Instead they held me accountable for my own recovery and let me know that I was responsible to do the work if I wanted to get clean and sober.
My children were removed from my custody by the Department of Human Services and placed with my brother and his wife. I was told that there were certain things I had to accomplish before I could regain custody. While it was scary and extremely overwhelming, I still felt hopeful. I had a great social worker and in-home provider and they were supportive of me and encouraged me to move forward in my life. One of the hardest things for me to deal with at that time was a visit with my children. I was so filled with guilt and shame and seeing the pain on their faces was hard to deal with. Thankfully, I learned to lean heavily on the recovering community and they helped me walk through the pain and see the hope.
One other recommendation from the Department of Human Services was that I get and maintain a job and find housing. Other than working in bars and a few restaurants in the past the only other job skill I had was selling drugs. Getting out and working while trying to stay clean and sober was intimidating and terrifying. My self-esteem was extremely low and I was afraid of everything. In the first year I went through five different jobs trying to find out where I fit and what I enjoyed doing.
It was a confusing and terrifying time, and I had relapses. Even though I really wanted and loved being clean and sober it was a confusing and terrifying time for me. What I learned from that experience is that I needed to be honest about my fears and feelings and reach out for help. I attended a relapse course and learned a lot about the relapse process. I haven’t had a drink or a drug since September 22, 1995 and continue to be extremely grateful for my recovery.
Letting go of all my old friends was hard. Even though I knew I had to stay away from them if I wanted to be sober, getting to know new people and finding healthy support was hard. I continued to lean on the recovering community in Ottumwa and formed many strong friendships with women and men who are still important to me today. These people encouraged me to start school and use my past as a tool to help others in need. I began attending school at Indian Hills Community College and after obtaining my Associate of Arts Degree went on to Buena Vista College to earn a four-year degree in Human Service.
During the time I went to school, I began working at the local battered women’s shelter. I learned a lot of important information about women’s issues and also about different systems. I worked with women in the shelter and also in the outreach program. Part of my job required me to attend community meetings and during one of those meetings the director and I were approached about starting a support group for women in the juvenile court system that were addicted to meth and were losing their children at alarming rates. This group; which was named Moms Off Meth was started on July 9th, 1999 and is still an incredibly important part of my life.
In April of 2001 I applied for a job with the Department of Human Services as a social worker. I felt that my past experience would enable me to be a healthy support for families and would also help me to grow as a professional and as a human being. On April 13th, 2001 I was hired as a social worker in the same office that removed my children just seven years earlier. This job and my own personal history led me to becoming very interested in a new position created called the Meth Specialist. I am grateful to say that in October of 2003 I was very fortunate to accept this position, which I still hold to this day.
Life in sobriety is incredible, exciting and sometimes overwhelming. With recovery comes a sense of responsibility; not only to my family but also to my community and to those suffering from the disease of alcoholism/addiction. I continue to change and grow and try to give back to others. I try to focus on what I have instead of what I want and maintain an attitude of gratitude, which is the foundation of my recovery.
Reprinted from Recovery Iowa 2005 Recovery Month Calendar
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